Surrendering to the LIFE the Universe has Planned

I woke up this morning and I had what I call “morning dread”.  This isn’t the morning dread that accompanies, “Ugh, that was the alarm and now I have to get ready and commute and go to my boring dreary job.”  Not that one.  That’s a different morning dread that I have happily left behind.

Mostly happily.

This morning dread comes from the fact that it hasn’t all EXACTLY worked out yet.  Even though I left old morning dread behind.  I mean, I know it will.  I feel it.  I’m sure I’m on the right track.  Great things are happening (slower than I thought they would).  And of course, it HAS worked out.

Let’s backtrack a little.  (By the way, this blog post is completely guided right now, so it should be interesting to see where it goes.)  About 11 months ago, I quit a job that I sorta liked but was pretty much killing my soul and maybe even me.  It was an unhealthy situation for me to be in, and I knew I had to get out.  The problem was, I didn’t want another job.  For years, I’ve known that a regular job is just not for me.  The times I don’t have one, I’m very happy.  So, I planned to start my business of following my passions and sharing them.  (Which I have. Right here.)

But that didn’t go QUITE like I planned.  (It’s so funny that I’m doing this major reminiscing post the day before Mercury goes direct.  Also, the moon is about to join Pluto, ruler of secrets.  I feel like I’m letting out a big ONE!  Fun.)  How do I unpack this BIG spiritual/emotional/mental/physical experience I’ve been having into something so small as words?

Hmmm.  Maybe I can and maybe I can’t.  But here goes.  I’ve followed my heart.  Really surprising things have happened.  Really, really great things have happened.  Some haven’t felt so great.  But I know I’ve taken one helluva journey in the past year.  I’ve grown exponentially.  I’ve had to trust the Universe, God, Life, other people, and MYSELF more than I’ve ever had to before.  I’ve become an astrologer (didn’t see that one coming, honestly!)  I’ve been called to see my own worthiness (one of the toughest things!).  And when I say worthiness, it is a greatness and a grandeur that we all have, and it is a paradox because we must own it and also remain humble.  Because we all have it.  Holy shit.

Wow.  I feel like I could end there.  That’s enough, right?

But I’m still living this physical life.  And in following my hunches, my dreams, my aspirations, I have had to really give up on GOALS.  I am friends with a lot of entrepreneurs and would-be entrepreneurs and personal development folks.  Goal talk is BIG in these circles.  I see it all over my Facebook feed!  And I went there for a little bit at first.  To the Goal Camp.  But what I had to realize over this past year is slightly embarrassing (only for those circles):  I just don’t care.  I don’t care.  I don’t care about goals.  I don’t care about tracking.  I don’t care about having a plan and having it come to fruition the way I planned it after a lot of hard work.   That became BORING to me quite quickly.  (I might need a team later on down the road.)

If it’s your thing, more power to ya.  (Maybe you can join my team later on down the road?)  We each have to follow our own thing.  I kinda wish it was my thing.  Because then I’d probably have made a goal and hired a business coach and followed the directions and have a superthriving bank account right now.  Who knows, maybe someday I will.  (Don’t worry, I’ll still do it MY way.)  In the moments when I wake in the morning with THE DREAD, this is what my reptilian brain thinks I need:  A Tried and True Plan, tested by Experts!

But, here’s the secret…

Shhhh…

What I’ve found is SO MUCH MORE.  It really is.  And I’m not saying this as pie-in-the-sky trying to convince myself or you.  Truly, at my core, I’ve had to realize my own freedom.  See, when I traded in the 9-5 world for the entrepreneur world, what I essentially found was that I’d just gotten myself in a prettier cage.  Not interested.  And when I let it go, when I didn’t hire the business coach to tell me to what to do to “foolproofly” make all the money I need, I felt oddly free.  I don’t HAVE TO follow anyone else’s rules.  I live in the NOW.  In the NOW, everything is fine.  I am following my own rule, guided from within.  I am following the Universe’s plan for me, step by step.  Sometimes it’s hella scary because I DON’T KNOW HOW IT ENDS!!!!!  But you know what?  I also LOOOOOOOOVE that I don’t know how it ends.  Life becomes an adventure to be LIVED, not a plan to be carried out.

Life becomes an adventure to be LIVED, not a plan to be carried out.

And that’s so much more fun.

Ok, I want to backtrack yet again on this “morning dread” issue.  I think it’s important.  I think other people out there might have it, too.  (I know some do.)  So what is THE DREAD?  Like I said, some of my fellow Leap of Faithers know what I’m talkin’ ’bout.  We’ve discussed it.  In private.  I’m bringing it out of the closet.  It’s when you wake up in morning with a sense of panic.  It’s very primal.  It doesn’t make “sense” (and yet it kind of does).  It doesn’t make sense to me because I love Abraham-Hicks, and they say we return to Source in our sleep.

Why would I wake up panicked?  I’m guessing because I am leaving Source?  Because I’m coming back into my smaller version that immediately FORGETS who I really am and says, “Oh my god, am I going to be able to continue to feed my family doing this?  Or am I going to have to get a JOB????  Am I going to have to give up on my DREAMS?”  At any rate, it sucks.  And I have to work through it.  And one of the ways I work through it is actively remembering to OWN words like the following.

I am surrendering to the life the Universe has planned.

What are my DREAMS?  Basically, it’s just that.  To surrender to the life the Universe has planned.  To live each day from my heart, following my own inner nudgings and guidance from my connection to ALL THAT IS.  To be truly, truly free.  I guess I have done it.  But it seems to be something I need to continually do.  It seems to be like a manifestational muscle.  But wow, cool stuff happens.  Can I believe I am worthy of this life?  Can I believe it can “work”?  Can I live this way and still thrive?  Some part of me knows I can’t live any other way and thrive.  I know I am thriving.

So, MORNING DREAD, I love you.  I know you’re just trying to help.  You can come along with me for a while until you are ready to trust and see that it’s all gonna be ok.  And then you can be transformed. (Morning GLORY?)   And I can be further transformed.  You see, MORNING DREAD, I am surrendering to the life the Universe has planned.  And it’s a step by step process.  SO.MUCH is going on.  We can’t possibly know how it will all turn out.  But, here’s another secret:  the Universe knows what it’s doing.  I don’t have to control it.  You, MORNING DREAD, don’t have to control it.  YOU, Dear Reader, don’t have to control it.  We can relax.  We are free.  We can enjoy the ride.

I feel a little better now.  How about you?  Tell me your thoughts in the comments.

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